vk-photography x angiemariedreams
I’m constantly torn between never revealing anything that makes me emotionally vulnerable and ripping off all my flesh and crying for hours to the first person that I feel the slightest connection with.
I very rarely do the later anymore because I’ve learned it’s easier to feel isolated than it is to feel rejection in addition to that isolation. I’m not saying rejection is guaranteed, just probable and almost certain in the scheme of my life. I know it’s not personal; people have enough to deal with in their own lives that they have neither the ability or desire to handle the mental aftermath of my Lifetime Movie Marathon life.
Even though I know that’s the logical, not personal fact-of-the-matter and that I perpetuate it by not putting myself out there, I still feel alienated and resentful about the situation. I feel like I’m simply too complex and nowhere near good enough for anyone to feel I’m worth the effort of devoting themselves to. Simultaneously, I want to spare everyone the trouble of having to expell said effort because I don’t even feel I’m worth it.
The essence of the problem is that I’m surrounded by people who all claim I’m awesome and yet I’m unbearably lonely and I intellectually undermine every possible solution to said loneliness.
Anyway, this is not some open invitation for people to send me nice guy bullshit sympathies. Internally, I’m an insecure emotional wreck but I’m not an idiot; I’m aware that I’m smart, interesting, and decently attractive. I don’t need a bunch of people to tell me that. I’m not sure what I need, but it’s definitely not that.